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The Rules of Engagement

    Fri, 2004-09-03 23:40 — Mr. Bean

    "No really sir, He' didn't mean any harm. He's just a dumb drunk gringo. We'll watch him all night. Sorry, sorry!" said Garri to the owner of the bedroom, one of Rio's hottest night clubs.

    "No really sir, He' didn't mean any harm. He's just a dumb drunk gringo. We'll watch him all night. Sorry, sorry!" said Garri to the owner of the bedroom, one of Rio's hottest night clubs. Bean had just sized up the owner's girlfriend, made his move and started his pitch - "Qual e seu nome?". Problem was as usual she was digging him. Problem for us the owner wanted to kick his ass.

    Sometimes, "Mr. Bean" gets out of control. It's not his fault he can't control himself with all the amazing girls down here. Every night in Rio you can hit one of many clubs and it will be hopping. This isn't like the states. Although we all seem to agree that the best looking girls in the world are in NYC, Rio seems to have a disproportionate amount of great looking girls and even the ugly girls have amazing bodies here. And they aren't scared to show them off.

    Bean was nick named at Gracie Barra, has quite the knack for picking up girls. His persistence and I guess, charm, seem to really pay off. Since we know many of you plan to join us in Rio, we talked Bean into telling us how it's all done.

    Mr. Bean's Rules of Engagement


    You've landed in Rio de Janiero, and you don't speak a single word of Portuguese. You've found a superfly pad in Barra (disputably the richest part of Rio de Janiero). After taking a few strolls down the beach, you begin to understand why they say the most beautiful women in the world live in Brazil.

    So - you want to pick up a Carioca girl, huh? Lucky for you, the odds are in your favor.


    1.The gringo factor. You are gringo, and chicks here dig gringos. I'll be damned if I know why (topic of my next investigation!!!). The fact is that at least 40% of the hot girls you'll meet in Rio de Janiero will be interested in why you are here, what you are doing, where you are from, and how long you'll be here. And yes, they are also interested in your goods as well.

    2.The U.S. dollar factor. Money, money, money!!! Each U.S. dollar has the equivalent of $2.3-2.9 Reals. That means that your dollar is going at least twice as far. A night at a club will cost you $50 Reals. When you orders bottles of Champaign, and it costs you over $100 Reals, you'll be thanking God that at least something right is going on in the U.S.

    3.Don't all Americans have blue eyes? Half the chicks here don't have a clue what a real American looks like. Somehow, the other half speak English, but have never been to the U.S. Either way, all the Carioca chicks are under the impression that all Americans have blond hair and blue eyes (sort of like Scotty), and they dig it. Don't have blue eyes? Not a problem - pack plenty of blue contact lenses before you come. I've never used this trick myself, but I've seen it work for my friends.

    4.Princesses in Lagoa, Barra, Ipanema, and Leblon. Take note, there are a lot of rich, prissy girls who live in Barra and Lagoa (parts of Rio de Janerio). They speak perfect English, they have lots of money, and they could care less that you are American. The general rule is that girls who have lots of money will suck more of your money, suck more of your time, and make it much harder for you to get what you're really looking for (on the other hand, some of the best looking girls in Rio are princesses). You've been warned...

    5.Girls from other parts of Brazil. Rio is a big festival from New Years to the end of Carnaval. You'll meet tons of girls from other states in Brazil. A few will never have seen a gringo. This will generally score you big brownie points. Advantage gringo!


    1.Kissing means you're scoring a homer. Many Americans are used to taking the girl home after kissing. A Brazilian girl will put her tongue down your throat quicker than you can choke out a white belt. All that this actual means is that she likes you, and wants to spend her time at the club with you. Whether this goes further depends on the girl. Mr. Bean's advice? If it's your last night at Rio, go for the gold, otherwise, just get the number and see where she wants to take things.

    2.Rio de Janiero is safe. Be careful - there is danger in paradise. If you want to stay in the safest area, stay in Barra. Zona Sul (Lagoa, Gavea, Ipanema, Leblon) are generally safe. Stay out of Copacabana at night, unless you are looking for hookers (you will find that there are some nice girls that live there as well). At night, stay out of Zona Norte. Also, after 2 AM, you probably want to avoid the buses as well.

    3.Girls in Rio are horny as hell. Before I came to Rio, everyone told me that Brazilian girls just love to have sex. What I discovered is that in Rio, all girls love to have little passionate romances, but only some girls like to get jiggy with it. I've heard that girls in other states (with the exception of Sao Paulo) put out much more quickly.

    Danger Zones

    1.Mother-goose factor. Mr. Bean gets especially upset when he's making moves on a hot chick, and her so-called friends get jealous and steal her away. Don't let the mother-goose factor ruin your game. Make sure to work with a wingman and quickly introduce your buddy to her friend.

    2.Clingy girls who won't give it up... Too often, I hear the sad tail of a gringo who had a young princess chasing his money, but not his cock. Young girls (under 20) will claim that they can't stay overnight with you because of their parents. At the same time, they will want to see you everyday and spend all their time with you. Don't believe this bullshit. You're on vacation, so you shouldn't have your valuable time wasted. Politely dump the ring-chasing bitch, and find someone hotter that will put out. Every night wasted is a night you could have spent meeting Brazilian top models.

    3.Girls you've already met at a night club! Each day of the week in Rio, a different club is hot. As a result, many times you will find yourself running into the same chicks. One of the most difficult things is hitting on some new Cariaca ass while your prize trophy is in town. Mr. Bean's advice? If the prize trophy isn't giving you play, run to a new girl. Otherwise, keep the prize trophy, and wait for another night.

    4.Being a jiu-jitsu fighter. Jiu-jitsu has a bad reputation in Rio. A lot of girls here think it's low class. If the girl asks you what you are doing in Rio, just tell her that you are here to get a suntan, and spend lots of money on Champaign. This will obtain a better result. When you get to know her somewhat well, then it's ok to be a jiu-jitsu fighter. (Cauliflower ears don't help here, everyone knows what they are.)

    5.Grabbing the ass. One of the biggest mistakes you can make after you start kissing a girl is to grab her ass. Feel out the kind of the girl you are with before running that way.

    Where to go for easy girls.

    It's mid-afternoon, and you can't wait until nighttime for the clubs to open. Not a problem - go to the mall, and get to work! My preference is to go shopping at Barra Shopping. While in the U.S., girls might take offense if you hit on them while they are working, chances are that you'll pick up a few numbers from the girls who work at the shops in Rio. My favorite store - Track and Field. Lots of girls trying on bikinis. Don't be afraid to say hi! When you've exhausted all the stores, start talking to girls who are eating ice cream and having lunch. Sick of Barra Shopping? Don't forget to check out Rio Sul and Botafogo Praia Shopping.

    Where to go for tough girls.

    When Americans look for girls, the beach is generally the first place they go (silly Americans, tricks are for kids). While I've somehow managed to meet many hot girls on the beach, I've generally found that most girls on the beach are less receptive. My advice, spend 2 hours (noon to 2), working on your tan while talking to girls at the beach, and then head to the mall.

    Where to go for the best girls.

    Nuth, Av. Armando Lombardii, 999, Barra da Tijuca - Any night of the week, this club is always rocking and packed with hot chicks. Get in line early before 10:00 (preferably around 9:30, and on Wednesday, around 8:30) unless you want to wait until 3:00 AM to get in. It's always a pain in the ass to get in, and you'll probably have to do some talking and wait for an hour regardless... But the women? Woah!!! Always worth the wait! Whenever I'm inside, I'm reminded of the part in Jerry McGuire where the girl says "You had me at hello."

    Other clubs to check out - Rock in Rio & Galleria Gourmet on the weekends, and People & Baronette during the week.

    Also note - clubs in Rio start to really get hopping around 1:00 AM, and start to clear out around 5 AM.

    Be Careful!

    HELP - This is a hot club filled with great chicks, freaky whores, and transvestites. Check the goods before you bring them home.

    Afro Rio at Meli Melo - On Tuesday nights, the hot place to go is Afro Rio at Meli-Melo. There is hip-hop music with live percussion. It also has 3 huge rooms, one of them outdoors. And there are a lot of cute girls. If you are visiting Rio for a short time, you should go here at least once, but don't waste your time. The problem? No door control. The result? A bunch of young punks grabbing girls by the arm. So what happens for you? After 1:30 AM, the girls are way too tough here!!! Princesses will barely give you the time of day (mind you, the 12 AM - 1:30 AM time slot has the highest density of hot women. After that, sausage floods into Meli-Melo and ruins the scene).

    What to say?

    If your Portuguese is crap, speak English to the girls. Most of the hot girls in the richer areas of Rio de Janiero speak English. I've found them to be generally receptive, as long as you act nice. Never uses tacky lines, and never be overly aggressive. At a night club, after dancing with the girl for 20 minutes, you should be kissing, or you should start wondering whether she is wasting your time. If you think she is wasting your time, exchange phone numbers, and run.

    Also, if you're here for a few months, invest in a pre-paid cell phone. It will make your time following up with girls twice as easy. (Cell phone in Rio $R300 + $R1 per minute.)

    How to take the girl home!

    When you go on your first date, plan ahead.

    First, don't take the girl to a nightclub where there are plenty of distractions (for you, other beautiful girls, and for her, ex-boyfriends). Go to a bar by the beach instead. Throw a couple drinks in her, and if you're lucky, you just might get some loving.

    Second, don't expect the girl to know where the closest motel is. That's your job, gringo! Also, make sure to bring condoms beforehand. My favorite technique is to pick a bar right near a cheap motel. That way, once she is in the mood, you won't lose the moment by having to find a taxi (Make note, if that you are in Barra, at Academia da Cachaca, the neon-blue Maxim Motel light is just overlooking your shoulder).

    Third, if you aren't getting her to the motel on the first date, don't be discouraged, and don't push the issue. I find that the second date brings more luck! If you don't get it on the second date, get a new girl (unless, of course, she's that hot that you do want to marry her).

    About Mr. Bean

    While Mr. Bean, as he was called nicknamed by Marcio Feitosa, loves nothing more than to pick up women, he is really a nice guy, and never tricks or abuses women. He only loves to go out, have a few drinks, and train jiu-jitsu. Dont Hate the Player!


    mad jack the hat's picture

    nicely put

    this is all very true

    Your rating: None

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