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Thu, 2006-12-07 23:58 — lorenzodamarith
any jokes? good, bad or ugly? let 'em rip!!!!!
Tagged: Off The Mat
Q. What is the most intelligent thing to come out of a womans mouth?
A. Einsteins dick.
hahahahahahahaahahahaaaaahaa!! gotta disagree with that. einsteins member is not the smartest. would have to go with one that has contributed more to humankind. johnholmes member. clearly smarter. just look at the career choice it made!!!!
Female Replies to Male Pick-up Lines
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! those are funny. has anyone here been shot down by one of these lines?
CASE Of the Pregnant Lady
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!'
lol good one
that was awesome!! wonder how much detention that would have gotten?
lol probably as much detention as i received for telling my 5th grade teacher i wanted to park my peach limo in her pink car garage......
BEST SEX JOKE
Okay so a guy is near the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
Guy Bashing Anyone?
Women have special powers....they get wet without water, bleed without injury, make boneless things hard, and make men eat without cookin'.....NOW THAT'S A BAD BITCH!
Redneck Pick-up Lines
1. Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special.
3. My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
4. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
8. Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
13. Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts lighten up
I hate my job day
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the Thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS.
yep! that job REALLY sucked. hahahahahahahahahaha!!!
guess that sorta puts things into a different perspective, neh?
Teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harr y: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then com es out soft and sticky?"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now, I will ask some 'Who am I? sort of questions, okay?"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first" (The principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself"
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! these were funny!!! visionary stuff!!
good to see you back!! how ya been?
dooooood life is a blur at this point, i started working for time-warner cable in San Antonio TX as an independent contractor and i barely have the time to find my own ass w/ both hands i've been so f'n busy lol good to see you're still laughing at my silly ass jokes!
why when geese fly in their V formation is one side longer than the other??
because there is more geese on that side. :D
I learned this from a black belt I train with: When your girl inevitably tells you that you love Jiu Jitsu more than her, the correct response is
Well... I love you more than Judo
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA goooooood one....... only draw back is, i'm not able to afford to train in jj yet......... and judo....... well............ it's the mexican kind....... judo'n know i got a gun, judo'n know i got a knife, judo'n know i got a club....... ju don know!
owl skowlz face!!!! ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
well i've got an even better one.... you guys's faces!!!!!! ........... goddammit:(
owl scowlz FTW!!!! lmfao
now now, no reason to get mad......... i'm sure that there's no reason to get bent at the greasy penis cafe just b/c i made a funny about 'mexican judo' roflmfao
what do you call a woman who takes too long to make breakfast? you call her lois meeeeehhehehehehehehee!:cool:
yes yes ... .if you were to cook any slower, why you wouldnt be cooking very fast at all now would you?.... wait that one didnt work...
ohhhh if you cooked any slower you wouldnt need an egg timer youd need an egg calander... yeah thats right i went there.
The Husband Store
Body: A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
what do you call a 350 pound stripper?
how about "austrian" or "east german"? hahahahahahahahaha!!!
if anything, this was an understatement!! hahahahahahaha!!
what doyou call this thread??????
Nursery Rhymes we didn't have
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
are located in
Washington, DC !!!
oh wait lok its 15 pages long..........
i fail :(
Pinocchio: I've got a problem, pop.
Gepetto:What is it, son?
Pinocchio: Well, my girlfriend complains that every time she goes down on me, she gets splinters in her mouth.
Gepetto: That's not a problem. Just use a little sandpaper down there, and everything will be fine.
Gepetto: So how are things going with that girlfriend, son?
Pinocchio: Girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend when you've got sandpaper?!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!!!!! those are both funny stuff!!!
unlike many, a healthy appreciation for religion type jokes resides in this skull. don't really hate anyone, but find all religions to be equally amusing.
sandpaper.... yeah, we've all been there!!!
How did Pinocchio finaly figure out he was made of wood?
He caught himself on fire!
Two lawyers were on vacation, fishing.
They troll up on this dead blond floating face down in the water.
One lawyer says to the other "hey, lets fuck 'er".
The other says "out of what? she's dead!"
thanks to mpeacock75 for that!!!!!!!
that was really really funny!!!!
Two women with dogs are in the veternarians waiting room, one with a poodle and the other with a great dane.
The woman with the great dane asks the woman with the poodle, "Why are you here?"
The woman with the poodle replies, "My dog is in season and everytime someone comes up he hops up on their leg and I'm here to have him neutered and hopefully he'll stop."
The woman with the poodle asks the woman with the great dane, "And why are you here?"
The woman with the great dane replies, "Basicly I have the same problem. Everytime I bend down, my dog jumps upon my back."
The woman with the poodle interjects, "Are you here to have him neutered?"
The woman with the great dane exclaims, "No, I'm just here to have his nails cut!"
once again mpeacock75 has elevated gutter humor to a new low!!!!!
My division supervisor catches me with my bluetooth headset in my ear and jokingly asks "What's this thing?" as he's pointing to it. Without batting an eye, I exclaimed, "It's an alien making love to my ear!"
Since all the other funny replies were burnt up... i.e. it's an ear fungus... i blew my nose and out pops this thing from my ear etc..... so i created that one lol
this actually happened today....
thats great!! keep em coming. love jokes. the more of color the better. politically incorrect is really good too.
I know plenty of jokes .... except when someone demands one on the spot like now ... lemme get back to ya. SHOOT!
im gonna get shot for this, but whatever......
a cop :cool: pulls over a suspicious man who is driving oddly...
he tells the man to roll down his window....
Cop- do you know why i pulled you over?
man- (not knowing why he was pulled over he didnt say anything (at this point in the real world you are protected against self incriminating youself by the 5th amendment, for more info on your protected legal rights PM me)
cop- son, your driving is all over the road have you been smoking weed?
man- no sir
cop- your eyes are red, are you sure you havent been smoking weed?
man- no siiir.....but your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
yep...so there you go......
and then thirteen shots were fired and the driver was killed.....