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anyone know any funny jokes?

    Thu, 2006-12-07 23:58 — lorenzodamarith

    hello,

    any jokes? good, bad or ugly? let 'em rip!!!!!

    thanks.

    Shaolin Bushido's picture

    Baseball Fans In Heaven

    Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

    One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

    A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

    "Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.

    "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

    "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

    "Tell me the good news first."

    "Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

    "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

    "You're pitching tomorrow night."

    :o

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    kudo's to Bushido!

    THAT was a classic gasser.... hadda pick myself up off the floor twice after that one!

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    two guys are walking out of a pharmacy:

    carl: hope this stuff works! (looking at his bag of prescriptions)

    jed: oh yeah?

    carl: yeah, i went to the doctor today, and he gave me a prescription for an expectorant and i coughed up 80 bucks!

    :eek:

    Your rating: None
    cshudson's picture

    Dont hate on me cause of this joke. I have nothing against people of different religion. I read this in a hustler dirty joke book at border's book store.

    Q---Why do jews not drink????

    A--- Because it interferes with their suffering.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    cshudson wrote:
    Dont hate on me cause of this joke. I have nothing against people of different religion. I read this in a hustler dirty joke book at border's book store.

    Q---Why do jews not drink????

    A--- Because it interferes with their suffering.

    Q - Why can't Eastern Catholics smoke marijuana?

    A - Because it would interfere with their seasons of Lent.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

    nice!!!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    What did Pinocchio's first girlfriend do with him on their first date?

    Threw him down on the ground, sat on his face and said, "Lie to me MOTHERFUCKER!"

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahaahahahaha!!!! and they say women want only honest relationships!?!?!?! guess not, huh? hahahahaha!!!!

    thanks

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    The Plan

    In the beginning was the Plan.

    And then came the Assumptions.

    And the Assumptions were without form.

    And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

    And they spoke among themselves, saying, "I's a crock of shit and it stinketh."

    And the workers went unto their Supervisors, saying, "It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor thereof."

    And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it's strength."

    And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "it is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by it's strength."

    And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

    And the Directors went unto the Vice President, saying unto him, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

    And the Vice President went unto the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the Company, with powerful effects."

    And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

    And the Plan became Policy.

    THIS is how SHIT happens.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    well, NOW we all know how that happens. who would have thought this thread would be educational.

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    You Know You're From Texas If:

    1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

    2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

    3. You measure distance in minutes.

    4. You know several people who have hit a deer.

    5. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

    6. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

    7 You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

    8. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

    9. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

    10. Stores don't have shopping carts, they have buggies.

    11. You see People wearing bib overalls to funerals.

    12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

    13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

    14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

    15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

    16. You know what "snipe hunting" is.

    17. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

    18. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

    19. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

    20. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

    21. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."

    22. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.

    23. You know whether another Texan is from souther, middle, or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

    24. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

    25. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

    26. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

    27. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed up the people by the Lord himself.

    28. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of break with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy").

    29. You understand these jokes and can't wait to pass them on to your friends from Texas!

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahhaahahahahahaaahahaaaahahahahaha!!!!!!

    yep, thats about the size of it (nontexans would say: that is true). hahahahahaha!!!!! not from there but been there a few times. and thats the way it is over there.

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    Rules of a Nudist Colony

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
    On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

    A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, smiles as she passes and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man happily continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within seconds, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

    "No..... what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

    "You must be new," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

    The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

    The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $3200 membership fee."

    "But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

    "Listen lady," replies the man..........I'm 68 years old...........I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
    I'm outta here!!"

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahaa!!!! mpeacock75 has done it again. that was about 15 kinds of wrong!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

    guess under those circumstances, that would be a very bad investment indeed!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    lorenzodamarith wrote:
    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahaa!!!! mpeacock75 has done it again. that was about 15 kinds of wrong!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

    guess under those circumstances, that would be a very bad investment indeed!!!

    thanks.

    tell ya one thing... i will definitely research any and all nudist colonies about their manor-isms and physical customs before i bought into one!

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    Subject: Ear hair

    My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

    The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

    The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    mpeacock75, you always deliver!!!!!!! those were excellent jokes!!!

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    would have to agree. lots of research!!! lots. y'know, that one with the swearing kids.... yeah, once had a "convesation" like that with an angry parent.

    huge war. many deaths.

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    Redneck's pet fish!

    A Redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?"

    "Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

    "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

    "Well, what?", says the redneck.

    The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

    "Call who back?"

    "The FISH", replied the warden!

    "What fish?", replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: Georgia rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    now that is funny!!!! that almost sounds like it could have happened!!!

    hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    talk about getting rid of the evidence!!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hey mpeacock75!!! forgot to mention, all these cats over here thought these jokes are awesome!!! go noisy all of a sudden!!! its like a comedy club in here!!!

    granted, we are all stupifyingly drunk, but the jokes are still funny!!!!

    please keep 'em coming!!

    thanks

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    Crying Mule Saloon

    One time, this gentleman walks into a saloon and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. While he's waiting on the bartender to pour it, he notices a HUGE pot of money that stated on the side of it:

    $5000 to the first person to make my stupid ass crying mule shut up his bawling.

    The gentleman confidently states, "Yo, bartender, I'd like to take you up on that challenge!"

    The bartender replies, "Gladly mate!"

    The gentleman slams down his whiskey and orders a three finger shot and slams it down too. He then gets up and walks over to the crying mule and whispers in the mules ear and immediately the mule starts to laughing his head off uncontrollably.

    The bartender witnessing this is totally dumbfounded and the guy takes the pot of cash and walks out.

    A couple of weeks later, the same gentleman walks into the same bar and this time notices a new pot of cash. But with an even bigger reward:

    $10000 to ANYONE who can make my mule stop laughing his ass off!

    The gentleman orders a bottle of whiskey and half way through it he says, "Yo bartender, want me to make your mule stop laughing?"

    The bartender replies, "That's very doubtful... but be my guest."

    So the gentleman drags the mule into the back room and when they return the mule is crying again and the gentleman finishes off the bottle of whiskey he ordered.

    The bartender exclaims rather abruptly, "Sir, I don't care that you made my mule laugh and cry so easily, but before you leave with the cash, I simply must know, how'd you do it!"

    The gentleman replied, "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his would ever be, and how i got him to cry again.... I showed him!"

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! sounds like johnholmes likes to drink whiskey at this bar!!!!

    hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    lorenzodamarith wrote:
    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! sounds like johnholmes likes to drink whiskey at this bar!!!!

    hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

    thanks.

    fond of john holmes are we? lol jk ;)

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    The Difference Between Friends and Texas Friends

    FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk naked ass is taking a piss in the bushes.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...that shit was fun ".
    ------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Cry with you.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Laugh at you.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
    --------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.
    --------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that ' s what the crowd is doing.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
    --------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
    ----------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will buck up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.
    -------------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.
    -----------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!" HAHAHAHA !!!!
    ------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.

    TEXAS Friends: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
    ---------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will say "okay, just one more..." and then 2 minutes later "okay, just one more!".
    -------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will knock them the Fuck out!!
    -------------------------------------------------
    FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."

    TEXAS FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! yeah, seems like those texas friends are the way to go!!!

    the very last one is the best!!!

    oh yeah, found some funny things and wanted to show you, but can't figure out how to post them here. it will take a while, but will be funny!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hey mpeacock75!!! this has been a one sided thread, so gonna post some stuff for ya!! enjoy!!

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
    Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

    Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    lorenzodamarith wrote:
    hello,

    hey mpeacock75!!! this has been a one sided thread, so gonna post some stuff for ya!! enjoy!!

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
    Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

    Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

    thanks.

    OMFG THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    in fact, it was soooo funny, i posted it on myspace bully....

    thx LZD

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    mpeacock75, here is another one for ya to giggle at!!

    this is stuff that came from actual resumes:

    Personal Qualities
    "I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

    "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

    "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

    "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

    "Number of dependents: 40."

    "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

    "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

    "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments."

    "Maturity leave."

    "I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks."

    "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

    "I've left a path of destruction behind me."

    Special Requests

    "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

    "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

    "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

    thanks

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    lorenzodamarith wrote:
    hello,

    mpeacock75, here is another one for ya to giggle at!!

    this is stuff that came from actual resumes:

    Personal Qualities
    "I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

    "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

    "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

    "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

    "Number of dependents: 40."

    "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

    "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

    "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments."

    "Maturity leave."

    "I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks."

    "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

    "I've left a path of destruction behind me."

    Special Requests

    "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

    "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

    "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

    thanks

    this one's perdy funny.... believe it or not.... some people really do put this shit down to fudge on gvrnmnt paper work so they wont get hired.... ie: to draw welfare, unemployment (pending which state you work in)....... etc.

    my dad complains about all the illegitimate applications he gets b/c people are skimming moolah off the US....

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    mpeacock75 wrote:
    this one's perdy funny.... believe it or not.... some people really do put this shit down to fudge on gvrnmnt paper work so they wont get hired.... ie: to draw welfare, unemployment (pending which state you work in)....... etc.

    my dad complains about all the illegitimate applications he gets b/c people are skimming moolah off the US....

    hello,

    well, it has been said that noone ever went bankrupt underestimating the stupidity of others!! hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE: Written by a woman

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 - so if you get one, be grateful

    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face

    4 Extension to rule #3 - NO, I DON'T have to swallow

    5. My ears are not handles

    6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?

    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart

    8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

    9. Extension to rule #8 -"Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you play video games immediately afterwards is highly unadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it is probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV

    15. When you hear your friend complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning"

    MAN'S REPLY TO Woman's BJ ETIQUETTE:

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoonfull of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair

    5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth. because you won't have any.

    6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterwards.

    7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning ..

    8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    9. You bitch about the taste, but believe me when I tell you we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth

    11. Play with the balls

    12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better

    13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally useless.

    14. Caress the ass too, we like that

    15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep"

    16. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

    17. Come to think of it, maybe I will jerk off & leave you alone. I do it better myself anyway!

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! sounds like you have been talking to scotty and bevois!!! that was great!!

    thanks.

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    mpeacock75's picture

    Explosives 101 for blondes

    The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

    He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

    He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have. The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

    He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

    The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

    The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! don't do steroids... they'll give you a short fuze!!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    Why did the beastialitist cross the road?

    click - hold drag between asterisks for the answer.

    *he had his dick stuck in the chicken*

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    it like the old song goes... "boy meets chicken, boy violates chicken, boy relocates with chicken"....

    ahhhh, marlonperkins would be proud!!!

    hahahahahahahahahahahaha!! this one was awesome!!!

    thanks

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    mpeacock75's picture

    Two guys standing on a street corner in NYC were carrying on a conversation about what each other would do in case nuclear warfare broke out and a bomb was going to hit the big apple.

    Johnny: Say Paul, what would you do if a bomb were on the way here and expected to hit us in the next 30 seconds?

    Paul: I would fuck the first thing that moved! Why, what would you do?

    Johnny: I would stand very still!

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    mpeacock75 wrote:
    Paul: I would fuck the first thing that moved! Why, what would you do?

    Johnny: I would stand very still!

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaaahahaaaahahahahaaa!!!

    sounds like johnny is the clearer thinker of that pair!!

    thanks

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    mpeacock75's picture

    LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

    Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

    However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

    Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Date: Friday, December 1, 2006
    Subject: I have Arrived!

    Dearest Love:

    I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    PS..... Sure is freaking hot down here!

    Your loving Husband

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    uh oh, mpeacock75, here it comes again!!!

    International Disadvantaged People's Day

    Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote conservative or occasionally shit yourself....... You hang in there sunshine, You're special.

    thought you might get a kick out if this one!! hahahahahahahaha!!!!

    thanks!!

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    lorenzodamarith wrote:
    hello,

    uh oh, mpeacock75, here it comes again!!!

    International Disadvantaged People's Day

    Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote conservative or occasionally shit yourself....... You hang in there sunshine, You're special.

    thought you might get a kick out if this one!! hahahahahahahaha!!!!

    thanks!!

    to say the least, i might be a bit dopey... but i'm not a fuktard ;) good post none the less... had that one thrown my way on myspace before... lol

    kudos for a valiant effort to attempt to find someone like yourself ( jk couldn't resist the pun return) rofl

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    mpeacock75 wrote:
    to say the least, i might be a bit dopey... but i'm not a fuktard ;) good post none the less... had that one thrown my way on myspace before... lol

    kudos for a valiant effort to attempt to find someone like yourself ( jk couldn't resist the pun return) rofl

    hello,

    hahahahahaha!!! the search continues........

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    yes we are!!!

    hmmmmm... there really is no way that wasn't going to sound wierd, is there?

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    TARZAN AND SEX

    When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

    "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

    Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

    Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel"

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

    its the same old story... boy meets girl.... girl meets boy...... boy kicks girl in crotch checking for vermin......

    hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    mpeacock75 has done it again!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    mpeacock75's picture

    Repair Job

    Barry was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Joan to the hardware store.

    At the hardware store, Joan saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

    When Carl was finished, Joan asked, "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

    "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Joan exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Barry had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

    From the back room Carl yelled, "Joan, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

    Joan replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

    This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    thats funny!!! guess it's a realy sweet deal if you are the guy working at the hardware store!!!

    hahahahahaaahahahahahaha!!!

    thanks.

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    mpeacock75's picture

    The Lawyer and The Wife

    The groom and bride arrive at their honey moon suite after the reception to find every thing they need to consummate their vows. The groom dropping his cloths to the floor in quite a hurry jumps right into bed ready for anything. The bride removing her dress looks over at her newest husband with a silent giggle. The new husband seeing this asks what exactly are you laughing at. So the wife starts to tell him she is a virgin.

    The husband, not quite knowing what to think about what he just heard ponders the thought for a moment and then asks, " Dear if you have been married 3 times before me, how the hell do you think your still a virgin?"

    The wife turns to explain, "My first husband was a psychologist, all he ever would do is talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband, oh how i really loved him, he was a stamp collector, you figure it out. Now then, as I said I'm a virgin, so be gentle. But i figure you are a lawyer, I know now I will get screwed.

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    lorenzodamarith's picture

    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

    lady had an interesting life. she certainly knew how to pick 'em!!!

    hahahahahahaha!!!

    thanks.

    Your rating: None
    robknight's picture

    lorenzodamarith wrote:
    hello,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

    lady had an interesting life. she certainly knew how to pick 'em!!!

    hahahahahahaha!!!

    thanks.

    or he did!! lol!!

    Your rating: None
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