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Fri, 2006-12-08 00:58 — lorenzodamarith
any jokes? good, bad or ugly? let 'em rip!!!!!
Tagged: Off The Mat
lol!! lsd and mpeacock75 are funny!! you two are a match made in hell somewhere, aren't you!! lol!
yes. we actually met in hell at a time share seminar. hahahahahahaha!!!!
at least it was a timeshare seminar and not a timeshare bordello house.........
i know this is a bit late for Valentines Day:
$20 for flowers.
$60 for dinner and a movie.
$120 for the motel.
The look on her face when ya stick her in the ass ...... PRICELESS!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! sounds like a good date!!!!
I know this is wrong but.
Q.Why did helen keller's dog commit suicide?
A. Well you would to if your name was iuhfdugjklashbdegadljsdlc
Q.How did helen keller's parents punish her?
A. rearranged the furniture.
yep, that name would induce suicide for sure!!!!
we all know the dogs real name was steve.......... she was just trying to show off!!!!!
Kids are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! those are awesome!!!! even better because you can really picture little kids saying those things!!!! those are super funny!!!!
once again you have delivered in excellent fashion!!!
Shaky Old Ladies
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes We do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
awesome!!!! you have single handedly changed the way the golden years will be viewed from now on!!!
You can't argue with this ole boy!
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't fucking our sheep, they're eatin' 'em."
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! this is even funnier because one can actually visualize this conversation happening!!!! wonder how eager the tree huggers would be to try t explain the situation to this cowboy? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
that was very funny!!!
Subject: Nick the Dragon Slayer
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
sound financial advice has never been quite this funny!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! guess nick went from royal dragon slayer to royal "anti itch bitch".... hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! ah the horrors of the kiddy park.... we've all been there. sort of brings to mind scenes from "fear and loathing in las vegas"!!! hahahahahaha!!!
Two old ladies are sitting outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, carefully slides it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Gladys: "What the bloody hell is that?"
Shirley: "It's a condom. This way, my cigarette won't get wet."
Gladys: "Where'd ya get it?"
Shirley: "You can get them now at any Chemist's."
The next day, Gladys collects her walker and hobbles off to the Chemist's and rather loudly announces to the very young man behind the counter that she's in need of a packet of condoms.
The young man, visibly embarrassed, gives her a quick once over (she is, after all, well over 80 years old), then delicately asks which brand of condoms she'd prefer.
Gladys: "Makes no difference to me, Sonny. As long as they'll fit a Camel."
The young man fainted.
muwaaaaahahaaaaaahaaaaaahahahahahahaahahahahaaha!!!!! mpeacock75 is the master!!!!
that was wrong on so many levels!!!!! have a buddy that works in a pharmacy.... this should have happened to him!!! he would have fainted, no doubt about it!!!!!!
you know, forgot to mention it but the ball biter joke was realllllllly funny!!!
Patient said to the Doctor "Don't laugh!"
"Of course, I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay, then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willie the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a triple A battery!
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," the patient said".
When to start cussing............
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Awe, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
easy turbo.... no need to crank on texans! 2 best things come from texas! oil and babez!
these are all funny!!! the strip mall joke was a creeper.... just got that!!!!
that would be an interesting place to shop, neh?
a man and his primate companion (chimpansee) walk into a bar. the bartender glares at the gentleman for breaking the "No Pets" rule.
bartender: sir, no pets allowed in this establishment.
gentleman: naw man, he's cool, i promise he won't get in the way or tear anything up!
bartender: ok sir, just this once.
in the meantime the monkey notices a bowl of nuts setting on the bar and hops down onto the bar and begins to systematicly eat the nuts by placing one in his backside and then eating it.
the bartender notices this and seems very alarmed after watching this for about 10-15 minutes.
bartender: sir, i told you it was cool that your pet stayed. but man, i HAVE to ask, what in the heck is he doing?
gentleman: well, last week we were at a pool hall and he ate a que ball and now he sizes everything to make sure it'll pass!
THAT was awesomely funny!!
not sure where this one came from.....
how do you stop a clown from laughing?
hit him in the face with an axe!!!!!
Ok here is one that will land me in an IA. I hope this one has not been posted yet as I have not read them all.
How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down a flight of stairs?
None he fell.
that was quite funny!!! got any others like that?
how do you keep a mime from laughing? lock the door to his invisible box and throw away the key!!!!!
that'll teach 'em!!!
I will have to look up some jokes and get back to you.
always appreciative of new jokes. still hopeful about hearing a "priest and rabbi walk into a bar" joke. everyone uses this reference, would love to actually hear one!!!!
Don't Fart in Bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Oh man, that was hilarious!! I was rolling laughing at that one!!
My Grandma told me this one the other day!-
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and
the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you
are; and you don't know a thing about cows, this is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
thanks to manpants for this. it was funny.... because it could happen!!!!! keep 'em comin'!!!!
Here's another for ya!-
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha!!!! thanks again to manpants!! this one is funny because this could happen too (a certain associate comes to mind... heeheehee).
One day, thumbing for a ride, was a hitch hiker walking along the road with his K-9 companion. An early model sports car pulls over and offers the hitch hiker a ride.
Driver: Sorry pal, your pet will have to stay behind, no dogs in my car!
Hiker: No worries man, he's the fastest dog in the world!
They head out and the driver's taking it kind of slow. Noticing the dog was staying right up along side the car.
Driver: Man, your dog is keeping up just fine.
Hiker: Told ya he's fast.
The driver speeds up to about 85 and notices the dog is just off the bumper breathing kind of heavy.
Driver: Dude! That's wicked! I've never seen a dog that fast!
Hiker: Told ya he's the fastest dog in the world!
The driver floors it doing about 160mph and notices the dog is about 3 seconds back and panting really heavy with his tongue out. Totally amazed the driver slams on his brakes and he hears a loud THUD!
Both occupants exit the vehicle.
Driver: Damn dude! I've never seen a dog run THAT fast in my entire life!
But i have to ask, what the hell is up with that funny looking collar?
Hiker: Dude! That's not his collar, that's his asshole! He's not used to the sudden stops like that!
mpeacock75 has done it again!! hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! reminds of a joke about the last thing to go through a bugs mind......
ever hear of the only aggie who could count to 21?
he was arrested for indecent exposure!
A guy goes into a bar sits down and asks the bartender
to line up ten shots of crown royal.
The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?"
"It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay.
"Sorry about that," the bartender replies.
A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal.
The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time."
"Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay." With
that he drinks the shots and leaves.
Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender to
give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots.
The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't anybody
like pussy in your house?"
The guy replies "Yes, my wife does." ;)
Some ethnic jokes, what the hey!!
Q: How do you seperate the Greek men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar
Q: Why do Irish guys wear kilts?
A: Because Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Q: Why do people smear shit on the walls at Italian weddings?
A: To keep the flies off of the bride...
Q: Whats the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team have a shower after four periods!
Q: How can you tell if a Russian girl is on here period.
A: She is only wearing one sock.
Sorry, if I left anybody out!!!:D
wooaahooo ... that first post was a riot!
the second post was a bit brutal! I LOVE IT!!!!!!
There was a hitch hiker thumbing for a ride. An eighteen-wheeler stops and picks him up. The first thing the hiker noticed was the chimpanzee on the dash of this truck, sitting all quiet and pretty like.
The hiker asked the driver, "What's the chimp for?" The driver replies by slapping the chimp upside the head. The chimp then jumps down and unzips the drivers pants, gives him a head-job, zips his pants back up, then hops back up on the dash.
Totally amazed at this little feat, the hiker asked the driver to do it again. Again, the chimp hops down, unzips the drivers pants, gives him head, zips his pants back up, then hops back up on the dash.
Finally the driver exclaims, "Your more than welcome to do the same if ya want!" The hiker replies, "I sure would, but please don't slap me as hard!"
HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!! That was good mpeacock!! you're killing me!! I will post up some more tomorrow, I must get some sleep. Thank you for the laughs!
I like this one...enjoy!:D
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!
OMFG that was hilarious!!!!! (scraping self off floor and dumping self back into chair)
how do you kill 200 flies at once?
smack an ethiopean in the face with a frying pan...