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Fri, 2006-12-08 00:58 — lorenzodamarith
any jokes? good, bad or ugly? let 'em rip!!!!!
Tagged: Off The Mat
whats the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarea?
the epileptic shucks between fits.
whats the difference between a group of midget lawyers and a womens track team?
you could call the lawyers a bunch of cunning runts.
two cookies are baking in an oven.
cookie 1 says "whew, it's fuckin' hot in here!"
cookie 2 says "holy shit! a talking cookie!"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold monday morning: its's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, i agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune".
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
A sedentary couple finally decide to go to the local carnival to put some excitement back into their lives. Only drawback is they constantly bicker and fight everywhere they go. The husband spots a local air plane tour and asks about the price:
Husband: How much for a flight around the countryside for 2?
In the meantime the husband and wife go to arguing like clockwork!
Pilot: Well Sir, the price is 25 dollars.
Husband: It's a Deal!
The husband pays the fee and they both board the small air plane.
Half way into the flight, the husband and wife start arguing, and the pilot interrupts.
Pilot: Sir, if you and the Misses would kindly quit arguing, I will gladly refund at least 10 dollars.
As time goes on, the pilot notices they quit arguing and have retained an eerie silence. So, the pilot turns around to notice the wife is gone.
Pilot: Why didn't you tell me she jumped out?
Husband: She didn't jump out, she fell out on that last sharp bank you made and buddy, 10 dollars IS 10 dollars!!!!
There were two guys getting ready to go out on the town and find a couple of hot dates to go swinging with. One's named Fast Freddy and the other Slow Sam. They stopped off at every night club and finally gave up and blew some money in a brothel and lined up all the women there.
Fast Freddy said, "Sam, I will give you a head start going down this line and then I will take sloppy seconds."
Sam replies, "Ok, that's fair enough."
So Sam takes off doing his business down the line.... Some time later, Freddy starts:
whambam "Thank ya ma'am", whambam "Thank ya ma'am", whambam "Thank ya ma'am", whambam "Thank ya ma'am", whambam "Thank ya ma'am", whambam "Sorry Sam!"
Sex on TV ok, just dont fall off!
He who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok!
He who has sex at picnic without blanket has piece on earth!
Man who fish in other mans well soon catch crab!
Big cat may scratch, but little pussy never hurt nobody!
He who go to bed with problem in pants, wake with solution in hand!
thanks again to mpeacock75!!! those are awesome!!!!! especially liked the proverbs!!!
Superman was bored one day when he had all the crime fighting caught up and was trying to figure out what on Earth he could do with his newly found time.
So he thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll go for a swim and see what Aqua Man is up to." He soon saw Aqua Man had a mermaid under each arm and appeared as if he wasn't to be disturbed, so Superman returned back to the sky still pondering what to do.
He thought to himself: Maybe I'll pay Batman and Robin a visit.
Again, he found they were busy washing the batmobile and didn't want to be hassled at the time. So back to the sky he went. He just happen to spot Wonder Woman stark naked on the beech with her poontang just a glistening in the sun and thought to himself, "Hmmmmm, I'll fly down and hit that so fast she wont know what the hell hit her!"
In come Superman: WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM
Wonder Woman asks, "What the HELL was THAT!?!?"
The Invisible Man exclaims, "I don't know, but my asshole sure HURTS!"
the first one of those 2 was funny.... the latter of the 2 made me fall outta the chair laughin!!!!! that was soooooooooo hilarious!!!!!
Don't Fart in Bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
That was funny!:D
echo that underdog!!!
that was twisted, perverse, gross, lewd and lowbrow..... it was PERFECT!!!!
Wow...I need that...that was the best terrible joke ever....
hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! thanks to underdog for the humor.
wonder what kibuninc would think of that one? hahahaha!!!
hahaha that was classic, underdog!
some guy walks into this bar and asks the bartender, "Where is the bathroom, I really have to go?"
bartender exclaims, "Sorry sir, our bathroom's out of order!"
gentleman exclaims, "Seriously, I am about to shit my pants!"
bartender replies, "Follow me sir."
the bartender takes him to a bathroom under construction on the second floor of the establishment and points to a hole in the floor where the toilet is supposed to be.
bartender says, "Do your buisness here in this hole." and walks off.
a few moments later the guy walks up to the bar and asks, "Where'd everybody go?" noticing the place was empty.
bartender asked the gentleman, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"
hahahahaahahaahahahahahahahaahaa!!! that was funny!!!!! stunning visuals as well!!!
two blonds are walking around naked outside a strip mall and every human in existence including women are gawking and ogling these two girls.
finally one of the girls walks up to a security guard walking around and asks, "Why are all these people staring at us?"
the guard replies, "This is a strip mall, the name is not to be taken literally as you would on a nude beach."
a piece of bacon and an egg walk into a bar, the bartender says..."we dont serve breakfast here"
any jokes involving a priest and a rabbi would be especially funny. have heard references to such jokes for years, but have never actually heard one of those jokes.
also, anyone reading these jokes, keep in mind, thats all they are. everyone from everywhere and every walk of life is funny at some point right?