When most people think of Valentine’s Day, they think of love, hearts, cupid, and cute little doves, but in reality, it’s just another holiday retailers made up so we can buy more of their useless crap like over priced heart-shaped chocolates and dumb teddy bears that sing and dance. There is, however, one little thing that is over looked in all this madness. It’s the fact that this is probably the best time of the year to have that guilt free hook-up.
For those of us who are single, we find ourselves on Valentine’s Day playing it cool like its no big deal that we don’t have a significant other, but deep inside we are a slight bit jealous. So what do we do? Well, I’m not going to stay at home and sulk. I am going out to the bar or club to find Mr. Right! - Or at least Mr. Right now.
Clubs and bars have made it so easy for you to hook up on this “Special” day, throwing “Stupid Cupid” parties and “Red light, Green light” parties where you wear a green or red wrist band that says if you are single or taken! Keep in mind too that the vast majority of people out on Valentine’s Day are single. Most couples go to eat then go home and “make love”. Not for us singles, we get to experience the joy of hunting down that piece of ass and then taking them home to f*ck. That’s right I said it, Fuck. F-*-*-K. We get that animal-like hardcore porn shit. Forget those bedside candles fellas, unless you’re pouring that hot wax all over my body and as for your chocolates, you better be licking them off me. For girls it’s the one time of the year we can go out and have our one night stand and not feel like a slut. We might even be able to get something more long term, but let’s not expect too much. You even get the okay from your girlfriends, because if they aren’t right there next to you looking for their “Mr. Right Now,” they feel your “Pain” of being so “Lonely” on such a day of love! It’s great!
Here are your tips for finding that Valentine’s Day hook-up:
Finding Ms. Right Now
· Do not go out with a pack of dudes. Why minimize your chances by competing with your own friends? Not to mention, you look like a group of losers on the prowl, waiting to find your first victim.
· Please do yourself a favor and dress up just a little more than normal. The women that are out and about are most-likely dressed up in a dress for the “Special” holiday, so you should too. You don’t want to look like a slob next to that hot chick.
· Wait for the right time to approach her. If a girl is looking around the room, it means she is looking around for guys of interest. If she happens to look at you and smile or stare longer than normal, she’s probably interested and will be waiting for you to make your move. Don’t be stupid and do it when she’s standing there with 3 plus friends. The last thing you need is ALL of her friends’ approvals or even worse all of them rejecting you. Wait till a couple of her friends go off to dance, get drinks, or go to the bathroom and then make your move.
· Introduce yourself. The best thing you can do is INTRODUCE YOURSELF. Well, and buy her a drink or if you really want to impress her, buy her AND her friends a drink. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard some cheeseball line. The worst one is when a guy asks me to buy him a drink! I mean seriously, not only are you stating you’re cheap, but you are also stating that you and K-FED are related. That is the worst pick up line EVER. It is NOT cute at all. Make girls laugh with you, not at you. Another bad move is touching a girl. You should never have to grab a girl to get her attention or even worse grab her ass. Seriously who does that?
· If you get the vibe that she’s into you, keep the conversation going and don’t talk about how you two are both losers on Valentine’s Day. Instead, turn it around and mention how it’s so great being single, not having to report to anyone and meeting great new people like her. Of course another key factor while conversing with her is to keep her drink always full. Not only are you being a gentleman, but you are also making her inhibitions go right out the door. I believe drinking helps get that nervousness out of the way and lets us do what we really wanted to do anyways, but were too chickenshit to do it sober.
· If she hasn’t already dropped hints of trying to go home with you, then you need to step up and mention it. Don’t do it in some sleezeball way either like “Wanna f*ck?” You save that dirty mouth for the bedroom Mister!
· Once you’ve found your Ms. Right Now, don’t forget your condom! If you didn’t find your Ms. Right Now and it’s getting close to the end of the night, then look for the cutest drunk girl in the club, walk up to her, tell her how hot she looks, mention you’ve got a nice alcohol selection at home and ask her “Do you wanna f*ck tonight?”
Finding Mr. Right Now
· Call up a few of your girlfriends to go out with, but don’t call the ones who are hotter than you or are “good” girls. All that will do is make you have to dress even sluttier than them and give you a conscience about getting laid.
· The key to getting noticed is obviously dressing up sexy, not slutty. You don’t want to look cheap and easy, make that boy work for it! Every girl is going to be wearing red and pink. Well guess who’s not. You! Nobody wants to find Waldo. Wear black, blue, purple, anything but red, please!
· When you get to the club, do a good scan and find that hot guy you’re looking for. If he’s there with a girl, it might be a friend, but doubtful. Any guy who is serious about hooking up would not give you any reason to believe that he is bringing sand to the beach, but if you insist on checking him out further, look for the signs like if they are touching each other affectionately and if it’s just them two or a big group of friends.
· Once you’ve picked out your man, look his way and smile. Do not stare at him like an obsessive stalker. If he’s turned around or too far to notice you, get closer to him but don’t make it obvious. If he’s by the bar then perfect. Go to the bar and scoot in close and kindly ask him if you can squeeze in there to order. While you wait, try and strike up a conversation if he hasn’t already. If he is interested, he will keep talking and if he’s really interested, he will offer to pay for your drink.
· If the conversation is going smoothly, then start innocently touching him in a flirty way and giggle at his little jokes. You’re a girl; you should know all the little tricks of showing interest. Once everything is going good, start dropping your hints that you are ready to go….with him that is.
· Once you’ve found your Mr. Right Now, don’t forget your condom. You can’t rely on guys for anything and you certainly don’t want to take home the Valentine’s Day gift that keeps giving!
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